Back in Control Workshop

Purpose:
1. To teach parents how to stop arguing with their children
2. To have your children do what they are told the first time you ask them
3. To do it without being told and without telling them
4. To teach children follow-through
5. To teach the children to be self-directed
6. To teach the children to be self-motivated

Section one:
Three types of rules:
1. Mandatory: Child must obey
2. Discretionary: Giving the child a choice or option (based on responsibility/trustworthiness)
3. Optional: Parents want one thing and the child wants another.

Rules should be based on the level of responsibility/trustworthiness, all rules should be mandatory until the child has earned the right for other types of rules (mom's and dad's rules).

Section two:
Inconsistent rules: Unrealistic expectations (by parents)
1. Inconsistent rules leads to inconsistent behavior
2. Inconsistent rules leads child to believe what he/she are doing is OK. (by not obeying)
3. Inconsistent rules train the child to misbehave
4. Inconsistent rules directs the anger to you and me
5. Inconsistent rules and rewards will create inconsistent behavior

A consistent system or rules will create a system of values and that will make the child a responsible adult.

Section three:
Clear and unclear rules:
1. When rules are unclear and inconsistent (we says things that we feel because we are upset, and not necessary what we mean.)
2. When the rules are unclear the child is the problem and not that the rule wasn't followed. ( It is the behavior not the child)
3. The rules get lost in emotions
4. Effective discipline requires consistent rules, firmness and love
5. Consistent rules never confuses the child
6. Consistent rules requires clear demands (not you will or you are)
7. Clear demands should be actions words or time and event element words.

Clear demands (rules) aren't offensive, it brings them to account about the rule and what is expected

Section four:
Parents working together
1. Listen and talk to each other ( being on the same page)
2. Both must agree to the rule or compromise so both parents can live with it
3. Eliminate the rule if there is no compromise between parents. (If at this point counseling is needed)
4. Anything that you are not willing to monitor or follow through should be taken off the rule list.
5. Rules have four parts or two parts (what and how) (when, how often and how long)
6. Stay focused on the task or the rule, and not the person
7. If you don't add how often and how long to the rule then it won't become a habit.

Remember, in anyway you don't train up a child you are disobeying God, and your marriage maybe in trouble.

Section Five:
Arguing/lying/punishment:
1. Has the child thank you for the rebuke?
2. Has the child ever told you that you were right?
3. How to handle arguments
4. How to handle a last word child
5. Absorbing an argument
6. If the child threatens to do it anyway
7. Knowing the names and address of where and who you child is hanging out with

NEVER, NEVER ARGUE WITH A CHILD

Lying:
1. If you feel the child is lying then be willing to go to the source
2. A child will stop lying if they know you are willing to check out what they say

The most effective manipulation there is for a child

Punishment:
Is only effective on a child who doesn't need it
1. Punishment will work on the mature, insightful and sensitive child, who is responsive to their parent's feelings.
2. Punishment will work on a child that is able to look ahead and way the consequences
3. Punishment will work on a child that has strength of character to accept the responsibility for his or her wrongs
Punishment is ineffective on children who
1. Are willing to pay the price
2. Impulsive and immature, who can't think past their nose
3. Not responsive to their parents or anybody else's feelings
4. Child that will turn back against you to make you feel more up-set or guilty

Section six:
Trust and responsibility
Set up trust levels
1. Child need to prove his/her is trustworthy
2. Completing task regularly
3. Follow-through with homework
4. Obeying rules
5. Freedom comes from earning trust

Section seven:
Love and affection:
1. forgiveness toward child and your own parents
2. reaching out with love and affection (I love you)
3. physical affection (caring touch, hugs or hand shakes)
4. spending time together

Praise your children when they try or have a success.

About the Presenter
ROSE KURCZAB, a Freedom House counselor since 1998, who has been working with many teens and their parents,was presented with the opportunity to be trained by Gregory Bodenhamer, best selling author of Back in Control and Parent in Control, to do parental workshops for parents of out-of-control teens and teens with ADD and ADHD imbalances.

She successfully completed training and received certification to teach the Back in Control workshop. Rose's counseling training was through Elijah House Ministries, and Freedom House Ministries, and she has a background in Theophostic counseling. Rose also provided a home school called Rose of Sharon, to help troubled teens that couldn't fit into the school environment. Having been married for 25 years, Rose has one daughter in her twenties.